Contemplations
by Miss Kells Bells
Summary: With his mother dead, his father dead and now Bruce dead Tim really couldn't take it anymore. As he tries to save a girl's life, both from muggers and herself, he contemplates if his own life is really worth living. Rated for attempts of suicide.
1. Chapter 1

****Summary: With his mother dead, his father dead and now Bruce dead Tim really couldn't take it anymore. As he tries to save a girl**'s life, both from muggers and herself, he contemplates if his own life is really worth living. Rated for discussion of and attempts of suicide.  
><strong>Rating: T for topic matter.<br>Disclaimer: I do not own Batman.****

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><p>Tim quietly crept into the med bay of the Bat Cave. Slowly he opened one of the cabinets, praying it wouldn't squeak. It didn't. His eyes shifted until he found what he was looking for. He pulled out the bottle of pill and turned on his heel, ready to make his departure.<p>

"Were you injured, Master Timothy?" Alfred asked. He must've stuck in the room while Tim was looking in the medicine cabinet.

Tim felt like he was a deer caught in headlights. He looked down at the bottle in his head then back up at Alfred. "Uh-huh," he said and nodded vigorously.

"Must be bad if you need pain killers," Alfred said, "Make sure to get plenty of rest."

"Will do," Tim said and took off past him. He ran up the stairs to the manor above. He was glad when he didn't see Dick or Damian. He didn't want to talk to anything. He just wanted to take the pills and go to sleep. To sleep forever.

It had been too much. His mom's death. His dad's death. Now Bruce's. And Damian had become his replacement in Dick's eyes. Tim just couldn't deal with it anymore.

Tim ran up the stairs and into his room. He grabbed a bottle of water off his desk and opened the pill bottle. He poured the pills into his hand. He stared at them. He tried to put them in his mouth, to swallow them, but he couldn't bring himself to it. He sighed and put them back in the bottle. Maybe another day.

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><p>The next morning Dick asked Tim about his injury. Tim assumed Alfred had told him about the pills. He lied and said he felt much better. When night fell Tim once again donned his Red Robin costume.<p>

Tim sat on the edge of a building, patrolling for crime. While he waited his thoughts turned to Dick. Why had Dick abandoned him in his time of need? Could Dick see he was in pain? Why didn't Dick love him anymore?

For a split second Tim contemplated throwing himself off the building and ending it all. Dick didn't want him around anymore so what did he have to live for. Dick had Damian.

Damian. Just thinking about the brat got his blood pumping. And just in time. Down below Tim spotted some muggers trying to steal a teenager's purse. He flew off the building and glided into one of their heads. The other one, who had successfully grabbed the purse dropped it and took off into a sprit. Tim growled. That had been anti-climactic.

Tim went over to pick up the purse. The girl lunged for it.

"Whoa, I was just going to give it back to you," Tim said. Then he realized she must've had something illegal. He looked the girl up and down. She looked around his age, either in late high school or early college. She wasn't wearing revealing or disheveled clothes so he ruled out prostitute, drug addict and gang banger. Then what was it. "What's in the purse?" he asked.

"It's…it's…"

Tim gave her his best bat-glare.

"I'm not a druggie," she said, resigning. Tim grabbed the purse from her and pulled out a syringe, probably filled with heroin.

"You're dealer screwed up," Tim said. "This much will kill a man twice your size."

The girl looked down at her feet. "I heard it was it was a painless way to go."

Tim looked at her. "You were going to kill yourself?" he said.

The girl looked up. "You don't understand." There were tears in her eyes. "My mom died a few months ago and my dad's about to get remarried. And now I realized Dad was cheating on his cancer stricken-wife with that bitch. My grades are slipping. I got kicked off the softball team. Everything's just gone to shit." The girl began to sob uncontrollably. Tim could think of any else other than pull her into a hug.

"I lost my acceptance to Harvard," she said. "My dad hates me. He told me I'm worthless and ungrateful. He'd rather me be dead. Then he could start his new life with that whore."

Tim patted the girl's back. "Hey, this isn't the solution. I know things suck right now but they'll get better."

The girl pulled away and wiped her tears. She shook her head. "You don't know what it's like."

Tim put both his hand on her shoulders. He looked her in the eyes, although he wondered if that actually had a positive effect on her through his cowl. "Actually I do. Last night I had the pills in my hand. I almost swallowed them. But I couldn't do that to my brother. And you know you can't do this to your dad. As horrible as things seem right now, as much as you're convinced he doesn't love you deep down you know he does. And that's why you have to keep on fighting."

The girl started to cry again. "I'm too weak to fight," she said.

"You don't have to do it alone," Tim said. "Let you Dad help you through this. Let him in and tell him know how you feel. I'll walk you back to your place. But I'll be checking up on you again. And next time I see you I don't want it to be in the obits."

The girl giggled, though the sadness of it shown through. "I thought you vigilantes were supposed to be mean and hate evil-doers."

Tim stroked her hair. "You're not evil."

She smiled. "Thank you, um…?"

"Red Robin."

"Original," she teased. "I'm Lacy. Lacy Cartwright. I live a few blocks away from here." Tim started to walk her home. "Hey, Red Robin," she said when they were in front of her house. They stopped on the sidewalk in front of it so Tim could focus on her. She shook her head. "Don't let me do it. I don't want to die, not really. But sometimes I get those thoughts and I can't stop myself." She looked up, her eyes once again filled with tears. "Don't let me."

"I promise you Lacy that we're going to get through this. Both of us."

She smiled once more, kissed Tim on the cheek and ran into the house behind them. Tim really hoped he could keep that promise.

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><p>"Hey Dick," Tim said when he entered the Bat Cave. He had already changed into his civilian clothing.<p>

"What's up?" Dick said. He was sitting at the computer wearing his Batman costume with the cowl down.

"Could we talk?" Tim said.

Dick looked at him curiously. "Everything okay?"

Tim frowned. "No, Dick. Everything's not okay." His bottom lip trembled and Tim feel to his knees sobbing. Dick scooped him up into a hug and rocked him back and forth. Everything might have been so wrong at that moment but at least with Dick's help everything would one day get better. Or so he hoped.

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><p><strong>AN: I'd really like to say that the only reason I write about the subject of death is to deal with my own depression and play out scenarios that I refuse to allow myself to become depressed enough to contemplate. However if you are contemplating suicide please follow Tim and Lacy's example and tell someone. Yes I know I sound like an after school special I have dealt with suicidal friends and it's scary. It's one of the reasons I need to write fics like this, so I can understand my friend's motives and actions. Please get the help you need.  
><strong>

**A/N2: Alright, and back to our normally scheduled author note. I hope you liked my fic and you understand why I wrote it and that it's not me making light of a very serious situation.**

**Hey, after school special commentator. Wrong author note! **

**Anyway, thank you for reading and please review.  
><strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Two people as me to continue and I kind of really want to so I did. Hence this piece. I really tried to make this part and equal to the first chapter and I hope I did it justice.  
><strong>

**A/N2: I'd like to thank Nightingale Heartz, kagome04, and julia for reviewing. **

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><p>After Tim's breakdown in the cave he was too tired to tell Dick why exactly he was upset. He ended up falling asleep in Dick's arms. When he awoke the next morning he was in his bed, under his covers, and Dick was beside him, though on top of the covers. Tim didn't want to wake him so he slowly crawled out of the bed and left the room quietly. He headed downstairs for breakfast, feeling at more peace than he had in a long time. The peace ended when Damian spoke.<p>

"Aw. When I saw Grayson carrying you bridal style up the stairs I thought you were finally dead. Guess I'll just have to finish the job."

"Knock it off, little D," Dick said from behind. Tim jumped at the sound of his voice. He hadn't noticed Dick follow him downstairs or sneak in the room. "You wanna talk about it now?" Dick asked, turning his attention to Tim."

"Yeah, who kicked your ass?" Damian said.

"Alfred!" Dick called.

"Yes, Master Richard," Alfred said from the kitchen.

"Damian volunteered to help make breakfast."

"No I didn't!" Damian cried.

Dick simply pointed at the door to kitchen not willing to put up with any of Damian's fuss today. Damian mumbled something under his breath that neither Dick nor Tim could hear.

"Alfred we'll be in the study. Call me through the intercom when breakfast in done."

Tim and Dick walked down the long hallway to the study in awkward silence. When they arrived Tim sat on the couch and didn't say anything. Dick waited patiently. Many minutes passed. The intercom buzzed.

"Sir, breakfast is ready."

Dick walked over to the intercom on the wall and pressed the button that allowed him to speak. "Could you keep our plates warm? We're in the middle of a discussion. And can you also keep Damian occupied until we're done."

"Very well sir," Alfred said. They all knew 'very well' meant Damian was going to clean up the plates, scrub down the kitchen and do any other chores Alfred could think of.

"If you're not ready to talk we don't have to," Dick said as he sat back down on the couch across from Tim's.

Tim shook his head. "I just don't know where to start. So many things have been going wrong lately. "

Dick frowned. "Bruce?" he said.

Tim nodded slowly.

"I miss him too. But you haven't cried about it before. Is the realization just hitting you now?"

Tim shook his head.

"So what happened last night? What was the straw that broke the camel's back?"

Tim looked up, trying hold back tears but the water in his eyes gave him away. He kept seeing Lacy's distressed face in his head. He understood her pain like no other. It hit too close to home. But he promised her that he'd get help too. He had to tell Dick.

"I recused his girl last night. It mustered up a lot of feelings."

"Did you know her?" Dick asked.

"No. It just that she was about to kill herself."

Dick frowned again. "I'm sorry Tim, I don't have the answers. I don't know why people would want to kill themselves."

"No, Dick, that wasn't the problem. This upset me because two nights ago I had a bottle of pills emptied out into my hand and I came so close to swallowing them all and just going to sleep. I wanted the pain and the hurt to end so badly that I was about to kill myself." The tears finally spilt over again and Tim pulled his knees up to his chest and entered the fetal position.

"Oh, Tim," Dick said. He got up and walked over to Tim's couch and sat down beside him. He pulled him to a hug and just held him for a few moments.

Just then Damian busted into the room, followed by a flustered Alfred. "Get back here!" Alfred said.

"Uh, what's going on?" Damian said. There was a mixture of confusion, jealous, disgust and amusing in his tone and on his face.

"Damian I told you to stay with Alfred," Dick said.

Damian ignored him. "What's wrong with the cry baby?"

All Tim could do was take one of the throw pillows next to him and throw it at the brat. Unfortunately Damian had great reflexes and easily sidestepped it.

Alfred grabbed Damian's hand and pulled him from the room. His protests could be heard as he was dragged all the way down the hall. Dick got up and closed the door, trying to create the atmosphere of solitude again but Tim couldn't forget that Damian could barge through those doors at any moment.

"And you wonder why I want to kill myself," Tim said sarcastically.

"That's not even funny," Dick scolded.

Tim looked up with betrayal in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Dick said. "I didn't mean to snap at you. This is just, well, new territory for me. Raising bratty little brothers and trying to keep them from killing each other is hard enough. I didn't ever think I had to stop you from killing yourself."

"I don't want to kill myself," Tim said. He stood up started pacing the room. "That's why I'm telling you this. I don't want to get to the point where I actually follow through with it." Tim stopped and looked over at his brother. "But I'm weak. I'm so scared that I'm going to slip up and I'll actually do it. It seems so much easier than dealing with all this shit."

Dick pulled Tim into another hug. "You're Red freaking Robin. If anyone can deal with the crappy hand life dealt them its members of this family." Dick switched to hanging his arm over Tim's shoulder and walked him out of the room. "And I'm going to help you."

Dick led Tim upstairs to his room. He locked the door behind them, knowing it wouldn't actually keep Damian out but hoping it might convince the kid to give them privacy.

"First thing's first you give me those pills you stole the other night."

Tim was hesitant to comply.

"Come on, you can't have any temptations."

Finally Tim walked over to his desk and pulled the pills out of the top draw.

"Next we take all the sharp objects."

"And after that are you going to take my shoe laces too?" Tim snapped. He sighed. "Sorry. I guess I'm just a little emotional about you taking my things away. But you're right. Temptations." Tim walked around to the room and picked up his few sharp objects. A hunting knife here, his razors there, the scissors of his desk, etc. He stopped at his closet. "Do I have to give you my pocket knife?"

"Yes."

Tim sighed. Dick didn't trust him anymore and he was right not to. But Tim wondered if Dick would allow him to ever be alone and to have privacy.

"And I want you to take a sabbatical from being Red Robin."

"What?" That was too much. Dick could strip Tim's room to its bare essentials and put padding on the walls, but he was not taking the Red Robin gig away too.

"It's a mentally taxing job. And you need some time to rest."

"No."

"Then I'll commit you," Dick said.

"What?" He hadn't expected that to come out of Dick's mouth. Dick so far seemed so caring and understanding. How could he ever be so heartless? "That's not fair."

"You know what else isn't fair?" Dick said. "That I lost both my parents when I was only twelve. That I just lost the man who had become a second father to me and more. He was a mentor and a friend. And now my little brother is threating to go away too." Now tears were welding up in Dick's eyes. "I'm going to take every precaution I feel necessary to keep you save and alive. And if I think that means committing you then Goddammit I will!"

"You don't get to fucking guilt the suicidal kid," Tim said.

"You don't get to fucking kill yourself!" Dick screamed.

The fight had peaked and silence erupted over them. The both stared at each, in anger and then in regret. Dick was the one to break the silence. He walked forward and wrapped his arms around Tim the umpteenth time today. "I love you," he whispered and broke down into sobs.

Tim who had cried enough times already stood there comforting him. He rubbed his big brother's back. "I'll take a break from Red Robin, okay," he said.

"And you'll talk to Leslie about these feelings?"

"Are you just going to keep adding things every time I argue with you?" Tim said as he pushed Dick away.

"Tim."

"Yes, I'll talk to Leslie."

"And you'll tell me whenever something's bothering you, no matter how small."

Tim smirked. "Even the brat infestation."

"I'll do my best to keep Damian away from you. Just promise me if he starts pushing you over the edge you'll come to me. I don't think he understands his words and actions of consequences."

"Little derp."

"Promise me if anything starts to push you over the edge you'll come to me."

"Only if you promise not to commit me." Tim knew there was a difference between a mental hospital an asylum for the criminally insane but he was still terrified of ending up like one of the inmates at Arkham.

"I'm sorry I lost my temper," Dick said. "I'm just so scared of losing you too."

"I'm sorry I put you through this."

"No, don't be." Dick smiled and messed up Tim's hair. "I'm your big brother and that's what I'm here for.

Dick pulled Tim into another hug. Tim couldn't help but roll his eyes. But he was glad to be so close to his brother. "Hey Dick?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."

"Hey Tim?

"Yeah?

"Can we get breakfast now? I'm starving." For what felt like the first time in forever Tim laughed. He clasped his hand on her brother back and they walked out of the room and downstairs with smiles plastered on their face.

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><p><strong>AN: I spend a really hard time trying to end this chapter. I like the ending. It's a surpringly cute and humorous ending for such a dark subject matter, which you really need hints of in darker story lines. I also hope you liked this chapter. I'm probably going to write a third to wrap up the Lacy storyline and to show how Tim's doing since this conversation, but then I swear I'm done. Please review! :D**


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